literature

Cumulonimbus

Deviation Actions

TheStoyTeller's avatar
Published:
300 Views

Literature Text

It was one of those days
where the clouds were
spotless cows being herded
across the sky
by southern winds.
The sun was a golden eye,
belonging maybe to God who sees all,
or Apollo who was incandescent.
"I hate clouds."
you told me,
as a cumulonimbus eclipsed the sun
and plunged us in a momentary shadow,
hiding us from God.
"Why?" I asked and you
closed your eyes,
seemingly waiting for the clouds to dissipate
like divine smoke.
"Because," you said "They're like white vultures,
ghosts made of the Devil's cotton
stalking us,
waiting for us to
die."
did the piece flow well?
was the word choice good or bad?
what are your thoughts on the theme/concept?
© 2013 - 2024 TheStoyTeller
Comments11
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Log In
LadyMortimus's avatar
The poem seems a bit choppy at some parts, like

"where the clouds were like
spotless cows being herded
across the sky
by the southern winds."

It gives a sort of "pause and stop" effect as if you were driving and kept stopping at unnecessary times. Maybe change the wording a bit so it flows a bit smoother. Like;

"where the clouds were
spotless cows being herded
across the sky
by southern winds."

Some words like "the" and "like" are what I like to call "filler" words and sometimes jumble things up.

Other than that, I like the concept. Great job. (: