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"that color is ugly."
she would say
when I would dip my
pens and paint brushes
in a glass dish of guacamole.
"food is beautiful."
I stroke the avocado on the walls,
I let it live
I let it breathe
I let it absorb the colors,
I let it eat.
"that color is ugly."
she'll say again,
in her plaid bra
and bronze skin
and I'll hold back a sigh.
I dip the tip of the brush
into the heart of the
liquid emerald.
I spread the avocado tears
across my chest,
an equilateral line of green life.
my heart.
I spread it across her collar bones,
a vertical line of organic structure.
her soul.
"that color is ugly."
she'll say, taking her clothes off.
I'll hold back the tears.
"that color is you."
did the piece flow well?
was the word choice good?
did you enjoy the piece?
Add a Comment:
 
:icongoldengeminian:
GoldenGeminian Featured By Owner Aug 27, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
It's been a while since I've stumbled upon a metaphor that felt so purely original. I love this!
Reply
:iconthestoyteller:
TheStoyTeller Featured By Owner Sep 9, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much! I really do appreciate the support, it means the most!
Reply
:iconwdnest:
wdnest Featured By Owner May 5, 2013  Professional Writer
[link] Featured here
Reply
:iconthestoyteller:
TheStoyTeller Featured By Owner May 6, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
sick dude! Thanks sooo much! Awesome feature page.
Reply
:iconnatural--20:
Natural--20 Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2013  Student Writer
It's very... metaphysical
Reply
:iconthestoyteller:
TheStoyTeller Featured By Owner Apr 19, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
haha I don't know what that means, but thank you. :)
Reply
:iconfantasticeverything:
fantasticEverything Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
oh my god, i just sat back with utter satisfaction after the last line hit me
perfectly written!!! i dont know how to phrase my appreciation, the metaphor is so incredibly original wow
Reply
:iconthestoyteller:
TheStoyTeller Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Haha I got your appreciation perfectly well. Thanks so much for the support and for your kind words. I'm very joyed that you liked it! Thanks again for the support.
Reply
:icondarklondondreams:
DarkLondonDreams Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
It flowed very well. It's beautiful :)
Reply
:iconthestoyteller:
TheStoyTeller Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much for reading and taking the time to comment. :)
Reply
:icondarklondondreams:
DarkLondonDreams Featured By Owner Apr 18, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
No problem, it's a great peice :)
Reply
:iconsaltwaterlungs:
saltwaterlungs Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
The flow is great. I'm not too big of a fan of teh periods in here, but i love the language and idea. I love how you give us basic details of the woman, not providing a face, but basic things, ,like her bra and her skin. It just shows what the guy sees of her. Thi pants a brilliant picture in my mind, and it gives just enough room for interpretation, but just enough structure at the same time. Wonderful!
Reply
:iconthestoyteller:
TheStoyTeller Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you sooo much x100 for your in depth comment! I really do appreciate it and I take every word for count. It means a lot to me. I'm very glad you enjoyed the piece and I'm super thankful that you took the time to read and comment!
Reply
:iconsaltwaterlungs:
saltwaterlungs Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You are so very welcome!
Reply
:icon4sauce4:
4sauce4 Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2013  Student Writer
I love this. Nice symbolism. I can really get into a piece like this.

For spelling, change "avacado" to "avocado" :)

To answer your questions:
I think your flow is just fine. On a second read through, I did noticed that I stroke the avocado on the walls, and I let it breath in the walls both end with "walls." You could try leaving that ninth line as "I let it breath" to cut out the chunkiness.

I really like "liquid emerald" and "a vertical line of organic structure."
Overall, very well done.
:clap:
Reply
:iconthestoyteller:
TheStoyTeller Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to comment. You're the best!

and I'll fix the spelling right away. And I noticed the walls thing too but never got around to fix it. i will though.

Thanks agian! I'm glad you liked it. :)
Reply
:icon4sauce4:
4sauce4 Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2013  Student Writer
No need to thank me :) I'm just your friendly neighborhood sauce!
:hug:
Reply
:iconmsimoneaux20:
msimoneaux20 Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I do enjoy this piece. That's quite an interesting metaphore, very creative. :painter: It adds a somewhat silly and cheerful feel to a very truthful and emotional statement. Well done.
Reply
:iconthestoyteller:
TheStoyTeller Featured By Owner Apr 17, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much> I greatly appreciate it. And that is an interesting and new way to put it. :)
Reply
:iconoliviashley:
oliviashley Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2013  Student Writer
this is beautiful.
Reply
:iconthestoyteller:
TheStoyTeller Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
thank you very much.
Reply
:iconearthian101:
earthian101 Featured By Owner Apr 4, 2013
it had an interesting flow - interesting the way you ended it, didnt quite understand the metaphor of guacamole (but hey its poetry - understanding is practically a curse word). all in all i liked it.
Reply
:iconthestoyteller:
TheStoyTeller Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Haha thanks for reading and taking the time to comment. The guacamole symbolizes a transition. An avacado becomes guacamole. One thing transforming into anohter. The color of it, green, represents things of an organic nature. The paint brush and pen in the guacamole reprents us transforming when we create art. Hope that helps.

I'm glad you liked it!
Reply
:icondestroying-caden:
Destroying-Caden Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2013  Student General Artist
This is so lovely, wow.
Reply
:iconthestoyteller:
TheStoyTeller Featured By Owner Mar 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so very much for reading and taking the time to comment. I'm glad you liked it.
Reply
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